Live-blogging the Golden Globes?! Stay tuned, gentleladies and gentlemen.

Giuliana Rancic can’t stop fan-girling over the prospect of Amal Alamuddin on tonight’s red carpet. Are you kidding me? This woman (human rights lawyer, bee-tee-dubs) has more going for her than a thumbs-up from your network or a stint as arm candy during a superficial industry’s masturbatory main event.

Then again, maybe not. She did marry George Clooney.

(Yes I realize that’s the POINT of a red carpet pre-show. I get it. I just can’t justify Giuliana’s celebrity. I can’t.)

… in case it wasn’t obvious, I just remembered the Golden Globes were tonight. But! I remembered in time to catch E!’s vapid-as-hell red carpet pre-show, so I decided a live-blogging was in order.

Okay, so I haven’t updated this blog in months. And I’m on my second Grey-Goose-and-ginger-ale of the night. And Angelina isn’t even nominated (though Selma is, and Brad helped produce it, so… surprise sack dress?!). But come on, guys. The Oscars were built into my AOL screen name way back when, and my first finished work of more-than-twenty-pages art was a screenplay, and GOD were last year’s movies fantastic.

So, yes. To make a long and boring and narcissistic story short, I’m live-blogging the Golden Globes this year. WELCOME.

Update [11:04 PM EST]

Okay, it’s over.

And the fact that they ran over?

I didn’t see the very end. My DVR started recording a post-show and the new Shameless at the same time, and I know they’re airing Shameless again a couple hours later, but I’ve missed the Gallaghers so much. And I didn’t stop it from recording them instead.

Now Michael Keaton is talking to an E! random. He is enjoying every second of this, and he’s earned it. He doesn’t even pretend he didn’t care or didn’t expect it; that’s the BEST.

Now for MY speech:

Thank you to my mom and my Liz and my Aaron… and everyone else who actually read these rambling “updates”. I honestly didn’t think anyone would, and I’m sorry if it was completely pointless, but…

you know what this means, right?

Oscar blogging. Coming right up.

Update [10:56 PM EST]

There’s been almost NO Amy or Tina. None.

And after working for Nielsen for more than two years, I know it’s all about the commercials. I know you can’t cut the sponsors.

Unfortunately, cable news is all about the commercial sponsors too. Everything is. Why am I calling them out when it’s an awards ceremony? Because I’m on my third drink and my fingers are getting tired and my tablet’s about to die and commercialism (read: corporatism) is just. so. powerful, and it’s depressing.

We care about these shows and movies because of the escape they bring, or the possibilities they imagine, or the realities they remind us of. But after the credits roll and the trophies are passed out and the next batch comes, all that social justice kind of fizzles.

There’s at least some residual effect, though. Maybe a few decades from now, real and believable female characters won’t be a novelty. Categories won’t be white-washed.

Yeah right.

Update [10:54 PM EST]

“What a category” indeed, Gwyneth. Five great actors.

Aaaaaaaand….

OH MY, Eddie?! I was hoping for David, if only because he doesn’t seem like a sure bet for an Oscar nomination. But Eddie wanted this so much. Congrats, cutie.

Update [10:51 PM EST]

I didn’t realize they cared so much about starting the local news on time.

But… Julianne Moore. OF COURSE. Her dress looks a lot like my leggings, and her movie looks a lot like the Best Thing Ever.

Did someone really say, ”no one wants to see a movie about a middle-aged woman”? And the gloriously written Still Alice, at that?!

I mean… of course they did.

But you’re Julianne Moore, and you proved them wrong. EVERY MOVIE is about a middle-aged man. The fact that this is even still a conversation is, frankly, flabbergasting.

Update [10:35 PM EST]

Michael Keaton knew he was going to win. He’ll win the Oscar too, surely. Right? I need to see this before he does.

So few actors come from nothing these days. It’s not a requirement or an obligation or anything, but it’s still refreshing when someone acknowledges and appreciates and deserves (and has earned) their soaring success.

And they haven’t tried to cut him off with music yet, and I’m so happy about that.

Also, WOW his son is hot.

Update [10:30 PM EST]

Ruth won! I wish she’d won for Luther, not The Affair… but she was pretty heartbreaking as a mourning mom, so I don’t mind.

Okay, they just cut to Dominic West. If he looked like THAT in the show, I might have believed it more.

Update [10:29 PM EST]

How is this the first time they’ve cut to Claire Danes?! Maybe it isn’t, but I’ve been waiting for that.

Viola, though… so, so, so gorgeous. That dress! I want to see more of it. Definitely fast-forwarding through the rest of the red carpet specials after the ceremony is over, but not so fast that I don’t get to see it.

Update [10:26 PM EST]

Richard Linklater… not a surprise. But for some reason, for a second there, I was expecting Ava’s name to leave his lips. Not so.

Something else: what’s that haunting scream-y segue they keep putting before the nominees list? It’s like the Torchwood segue: all hollowed bones and gasping for air and apocalyptic. What is that?!

Update [10:25 PM EST]

Next year, they should fake everyone out a minute before it goes live again. Give them a chance to noisily scramble to their seats, THEN go live for real. Because no one knows how to shut up when the first presenter starts speaking. No one.

Then again… there’s an open bar, isn’t there?

Update [10:21 PM EST]

George Clooney’s predictably fawning over his superior (at least Amy and Tina don’t pretend she’s his “equal”):

“It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love. Even better when you’ve been waiting your whole life.”

How do his past girlfriends feel about that?

But seriously, he knows (sort of) how to self-deprecate. There’s something beneath the surface, there, and there would be for me too if my private emails were made public and my love life were turned into a changeable story. But he knows how to make light of it. And like I said, he knows how to redirect the spotlight.

Update [10:15 PM EST]

Here comes the Cecil B. Demille Award montage.

But… if Juliana Margulies and Don Cheadle say so, it must be true.

I’m not even being facetious; if they say George Clooney is the REALEST, he must be. He will always be Dr. Ross and Danny Ocean and Everett to me, so it’s jarring to see him parade through Venice in a week-long wedding extravaganza and stride up red carpets and whatnot. But this montage is reminding me how many roles he’s played and created and promoted, and how selective he’s been in the past two decades.

No hate for someone who moves their spotlight aside for more worthy reasons.

He does deserve this, doesn’t he?

And they all play the fame game, don’t they? (Joaquin isn’t the only one who deserves a call-out for snubbing the very system he participates in, though.)

Update [10:10 PM EST]

What I learned from this commercial break:

Netflix is using A PERFECT CIRCLE to promote the next season of House of Cards. Immediately after Kevin’s acceptance speech, too. They knew, didn’t they?

“Counting Bodies Like Sheep” will perpetually remind me of college. And it applies to DC too, doesn’t it? It’s so, so appropriate.

Update [10:07 PM EST]

Kevin Spacey just gave the bleepers a brief scare, there. They did well! I’m pretty sure he said, “I can’t believe I finally f—ing won.” But I can’t be sure… because it was silence and a cutaway.

Update [10:03 PM EST]

I thought Catherine Zeta-Jones was about to announce the Best Picture (okay… Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical) winner. I glanced at the clock and it was 10:03, and I thought, “they went over… but not by too much!”

Then I realized:

They haven’t even touched the biggest movie categories yet.

DAMN IT. I’m going to be up all night.

Update [10:01 PM EST]

I almost boycotted this category completely because of Adam Levine. However… Fiona Apple and Ruth Wilson and Joshua Jackson are EVERYTHING, and I’m pretty floored by the fact that this weirdo show actually won. Good job, guys. I’m not sure you deserved it, but… this showrunner is doing everything I ever wanted to do (including creating something that inspires FIONA APPLE to write an ORIGINAL SONG)… so yes. You deserve all the awards.

Update [9:52 PM EST]

Kate Beckinsale and Adrien Brody (I would, I so would… both of them) just handed Maggie Gyllenhaal a Golden Globe. She lost twice before; now she gets to win.

OHHHH, Maggie. She’s about to preach it, isn’t she?

“I’ve noticed a lot of people talking about the wealth of roles for powerful women in television lately… and when I look around the room at the women who are in here — and I think about the performances I’ve watched this year — what I see, actually, are women who are sometimes powerful and sometimes not; sometimes sexy, sometimes not; sometimes honorable,  sometimes not… and what I think is new is the wealth of roles for actual women in television and in film. That’s what I think is revolutionary and evolutionary, and it’s what’s turning me on.”

I love you Maggie. Fifteen years ago, it was you and Angie. Fifteen years later, it still is.

Update [9:49 PM EST]

SHUT UP WHILE LUPITA IS SPEAKING.

Seriously, you can’t just take your seats in silence?

Update [9:41 PM EST]

In other “entertainment isn’t always just entertainment” news, Jeffrey Tambor just won his FIRST Golden Globe (how is that possible… seriously, how) for his starring role in Transparent.

He’s been so changed by this role, and I’ve loved him since The Larry Sanders Show (HEY now) and Girl Interrupted (I miss you Brittany Murphy), and the whole damn world has loved him since Arrested Development… but he just found “more of Jeffrey than I’ve ever known in my entire life.”

And I’ve seen every episode, and that’s so interesting and beautiful to hear.

And do you SEE, Jared Leto?! Do you SEE how he thanked the transgender community and humbled himself and used his spotlight to shed light (no pun intended… ugh) on those who actually struggled in real life? Not his mom or himself or some theory, but the people whose persecution he turned into personal profit. Take note, sir.

This man is my new celebrity crush.

Update [9:40 PM EST]

“Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin.”

…the announcer won’t say anything more important than that for the rest of the night. Go home, it’s all downhill from here.

And yes. These two things can both be true, Jane. You are your Newsroom character, aren’t you?! (“Let’s order a pizza.”)

“Finally, we can put at rest that negative stereotype that men just aren’t funny.”

They lived up to everything. And then Louis CK squirming in his seat… he KNOWS he doesn’t deserve to follow them, even if they’re announcing his category, saying his name. He gets it. I love him so much.

Update [9:38 PM EST]

Did Jack Black lose weight? I typed and deleted that sentence, but then I re-typed it, because he looks good. He was adorable before, but damn. I don’t even mind the facial hair. (After Angelina’s giggles when he accidentally revealed she was pregnant with twins, I will never mind anything he does, ever.)

Update [9:36 PM EST]

Birdman!! Not gonna lie, I’ve been fantasizing about the screenplay award since I was six or seven. I no longer believe in the overarching importance of such bought-and-paid-for trophies… but I do still harbor those fantasies. And thus, I’m crazy-jealous of these screenwriters. I HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE, unforgivable that I haven’t yet.

Update [9:30 PM EST]

After hearing Margaret Cho’s stand-up about being marginalized into fake accents and stereotypes, I’m a little bit HOW-DO-I-FEEL about this bit. Except the fact that Piper and Alex have a toxic relationship (and star in a drama, not a comedy). Truth. OH MAN Skeleton Twins cast, whattttt….?!

I saw this movie. It was more excellent than expected.

Update [9:28 PM EST]

Patricia Arquette won for Boyhood. I still haven’t seen it! I need to see it. I might just go by myself. (And thanks, commercial break announcer, for reminding me that George Clooney gets to inflate his ego further in a few moments.)

Update [9:25 PM EST]

I’d like to think Jared Leto just says these things out of the kindness of his own heart, but… it seems a bit narcissistic and out-of-touch to me. After his refusal to detract insensisitive comments about transgendered people (not to mention: the person he won an award for PRETENDING TO BE), it strikes me as very likely that he knows nothing about Charlie Hedbo’s racist proclivities. Free speech for the win, but… can we say we’re the cop who defended them because (NOT despite the fact that) he was a Muslim himself? Maybe I’m being picky. But as a girl who once loved Jordan Catalano (and a woman who shrieked at seeing Jared behind the scenes at a concert)… it disappoints me that he has such a tertiary grasp on modern, institutional discrimination.

Update [9:21 PM EST]

So my girl Salma Hayek and my boy Kevin Hart just presented the animated movie award. They did some weird sexist stuff first, but I think Jamie Kilstein would approve of the winner. I still call my cat Toothless because she looks like the dragon when she’s catnip-crazed.

Update [9:15 PM EST]

Is this Amy Adams’s response to the pay gap? Her daughter and these female role models? Thank YOURSELF, girl. You’re doing more for women in Hollywood than most.

Update [9:13 PM EST]

Too far with Katie Holmes, eh, audience? Really? That’s where you stop at the recognizing-your-privilege bit? Ricky Gervais, I don’t always like you, but I definitely like how good you are at passive-aggressive jabs and self-deprecating pseudo-humility.

Update [9:09 PM EST]

Matt Bomer was even more surprised than me! This is already shaping up to be a night of upsets. Has it really been a whole HOUR? And not much Tina and Amy, either… Love love love.

Update [9:01 PM EST]

Ava DuVernay IS a superhero. Thank you for acknowledging it, Common. And thank you for reminding us that opposing police brutality can coexist with opposing brutality against police. Selma is now, indeed.

Update [8:57 PM EST]

SELMA SELMA SELMA! It’s about time; they were shafted in some major acting categories this year. Prince got to announce it, too! He looked so genuinely thrilled.

Update [8:53 PM EST]

Melissa McCarthy’s summary of St. Vincent could apply just as well to About A Boy. Book, film, OR television, that is. Damn, I wanted to see it (read: I wanted to like it).

Update [8:51 PM EST]

Okay, that Parks & Recreation trailer makes the season finale time-jump worth everything. This could be hit-or-miss, though. This could be bad… but it could also be AMAZING and full of untapped potential. Let’s hope it’s the latter.

Update [8:49 PM EST]

Transparent won. TRANSPARENT WON. You guys, I know this is just Hollywood, but… it isn’t “just Hollywood” when it perpetuates stereotypes, and it isn’t when it subverts them, either. This is beautiful. The writing staff deserves this so much.

Update [8:47 PM EST]

Gina Rodriguez is so grateful. These awards don’t mean anything… unless you’re a marginalized actress whose career will get a gigantic public boost from this.

Update [8:46 PM EST]

THEY DID SURPRISE HER, THEY DID!!! I should place bets.

Update [8:45 PM EST]

Best Actress time. Edie > Lena. Julia > all. Gina = adorable perfection. Jane the Virgin is the second coming of Pushing Daisies, or maybe its lovechild with Ugly Betty. And Gina? She makes that possible. PLEASE SURPRISE HER

Update [8:43 PM EST]

I hope those who are equating North Korea and Paris aren’t comparing the shooting to the empty movie threats. I hope they’re comparing the North Korean labor camp prisoners to the murder victims, not the email hacks to the murder. I hope.

Update [8:39 PM EST]

Wow, The Hollywood Reporter moves FAST.

Update [8:37 PM EST]

They’re back! The only reason to watch is back.

Michael Keaton photographing Margaret Cho as a Kim Jong-Un fangirl alongside Meryl Streep. WHAT JUST HAPPENED

(also Sophie Hunter floral dress whatttt, Benedict Cumberbatch photobomb whatttt) (I can do clickbait too)

Update [8:32 PM EST]

Did you hear the reaction to Naomi? She wore color. She wore a vibrant golden canary color that only works if you’re just that beautiful. Take note, other celebs. Experiment a little.

[Am I reducing her to her fashion choices? Reducing the audience reaction to an endorsement of her beauty? She was fantastic in Birdman, or so I hear… but definitely fantastic in Mulholland Drive, which was a teensy bit life-changing Way Back When, and chaotically perfect in I ♥ Huckabees. I hope I didn’t just do that. Watching the pre-shows sure sways one.]

Update [8:31 PM EST]

Jeremy Renner was a sexist, and then Angelina’s second husband was himself. I love you, Billy. (Also, you “know this” more than anyone.)

Update [8:30 PM EST]

I just put on my Mylar gold leggings. (Because… you know… Golden Globes.) That is all.

Update [8:25 PM EST]

By the way… my hedgehog is sleeping on the couch next to me, as I react and type and pause and rewind and fast-forward. We’re about three minutes behind the telecast, but it’s a commercial break. I’m torn between the urge to check the red carpet pre-shows and the knowledge that I’ll totally forget what I’m doing. Then again, no one’s reading this in real time. It’s not like I’m Jezebel or XOJane.

ANYWAY, I’m sorry Stanley. You’ve never been on the couch before, and this frantic typing isn’t normal. I’m sure it will wane as the lack-of-Tina-and-Amy turns me away from the screen.

Update [8:20 PM]

DAMN IT, I don’t even like that show, but with that speech she earned all my love. That fan hears you, Joanne Froggatt. At least I hope she does. Thank you for caring.

Update [8:19 PM]

I’m just going to completely ignore the co-stars who are presenting this one. Let’s focus on the material worthy of a mention; you know, the kind that doesn’t glorify domestic violence. Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television…

Drum roll, please…

Downton Abbey? Seriously…? How boring. I didn’t stick with it, but I heard the last season was a big disappointment, and yet it wasn’t just nominated… it actually WON?!

At least we get to see one of those awkward they-sat-me-really-far-away-because-I-didn’t-have-much-0f-a-chance-so-now-you-have-to-watch-me-walk-to-the-stage-for-five-minutes moments.

Update [8:18 PM]

Okay, so I just scared my rabbit with my screams for JK Simmons. Scrambling paws the second it was announced. I’m sorry, Gia! He has just deserved this for DECADES. It was expected, of course… but I’m still happy.

Update [8:17 PM]

Benedict is acting all kerfluffled. Is this his Atonement for sitting with Brad and Angie at the Oscars? (I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… this sexist triangle means nothing to me, I swear. The fans just make it SO HARD to stop seeing connections where none exist.) If JK Simmons doesn’t get this one, I don’t even…

Update [8:16 PM]

They’re going there. They’re establishing the fact that they’re not afraid to go there. Now, whether the Hollywood Foreign Press actually allows them a platform for the rest of the night…? That’s a different storyOHGOD CUMBERBATCH

Update [8:14 PM]

TOO SOON, Amy. TOO SOON.

Update [8:10 PM]

Already on a roller coaster of emotions. I thought Tina was going somewhere else with “one common goal”, but she wasn’t. That point would’ve been much more relevant, but too much so, I guess… at least the following joke sort of covered the same ground. Kind of:

“But the movie Selma is about the American civil rights movement that totally worked, and now everything’s fine.”

David Oyelowo’s reaction to that joke is EVERYTHING.

Update [8:09 PM]

One take, two hours straight, no stopping.

Or…

Five minutes, once a year.

Why do both sound equally appealing?

Update [8:06 PM]

They. Are. Awesome. A year after calling out George Clooney’s bachelor ways, they’re now pointing out how EGREGIOUSLY unmatched this marriage is. Amal, “finally an equal”? Nope. Human rights > movies. (Yes I know movies dictate social norms that in turn influence cultural perspectives. Again, I NEED THIS.)

… and also, oh wow, Jeffrey Tambor appreciated that joke too! Yessssss….

Update [8:04 PM]

I’m already SO EXCITED. Four minutes in, and about seventeen jokes already calling out the inherent sexism that is the Game of Hollywood. (Yes, I know Tina’s one of those Lean-In-and-intersectionality-doesn’t-exist feminists. I’m suspending disbelief. I NEED THIS.]

Update [8:03 PM]

Emma Stone really IS a Big Eyes (well, Margaret Keane) painting, isn’t she? Funny story: I don’t have perfectly oversized eyes or a masterpiece of a face or anything, but one of Keane’s paintings looks so much like me that when I posted it on Facebook years ago, people thought a talented friend painted a picture of me.

Also, way to call out my boy Joaquin. Too good for awards shows? No…?

Update [8:02 PM]

I WANT AMY’S BOOBS.

Update [8:01 PM]

Heyyyy girls, hey! Angelina might not be in the audience, but she’s in the first line of the monologue… minimally talented, spoiled brat. Why isn’t Scott Rudin in the audience to cut to?! It’s pretty clear he’s the biggest brat of all.

Update [7:58 PM]

Okay, so I didn’t plan ahead, and I don’t have any time left to catch up on cheesy red carpet banter. Actual awards it is! The DVR will have to wait for commercial breaks.

Update [7:56 EST]

Damn it, I have a feeling I won’t be able to avoid Birdman spoilers anymore after tonight. I TRIED SO HARD… [and got so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter…] [shut up I went to high school in the early 2000's...]

Update [7:51 PM EST]

Even if he was a no-show at my birthday party, this quote by Jake Gyllennhaal about his sister Maggie (they’re both nominees! be still my high school heart) would make me melt:

“It’s unexplainable… the thing I was most excited about was her getting nominated. In a weird way, I spent my childhood watching her, and watching her work, and looking up to her, and so all of her successes get me really excited.”

But better than that quote? Maggie shooting Carson Daly down.

“I’m TIRED of hearing how creepy he is.”

Preach it, sister.

Update [7:49 PM EST]

Jon Krasinki “definitely wept” when he finally saw his wife sing onscreen. Joel would weep if he heard me sing for the first time, too… but they wouldn’t be happy tears.

Update [7:50 PM EST]

Mindy Kaling is always challenging Reese Witherspoon? How didn’t I know that…?

Update [7:46 PM EST]

Amal is here, guys. (Okay, so I’m finally catching up to my recorded NBC pre-show. THERE ARE TOO MANY and I don’t care as much when Angie’s not expected.)

I’ve never actually heard her speak, so I’m curious… wait. That’s a lie. I did hear a sentence or two about that Greek antiquities case. But she’s charming me a little bit right now. I wish I had her accent. And her wardrobe, sans gloves and weirdly mismatched street clothes (she does high fashion well… but only high fashion).

“I’m sorry I brought the British weather here with me.”

Oh, Amal. And oh, George. You didn’t get married just to stick it to Tina and Amy? Are you sure…?

…in other news, are my only choices Matt Lauer and Ryan Seacrest? WHY am I even watching the pre-show? What am I doing with my Sunday life?

Update [7:31 PM EST]

Lorde is a hit, apparently. I can’t get Randy from South Park out of my head (and neither can Lorde herself), but Kelly Osbourne just referred to her “androgyny”, so I hope her dress is feminine as all hell (like Lorde almost. always. is). I hope Kelly eventually figures out what that word actually means.

Update [7:30 PM EST]

It’s still only 7:30 (PM EST), so the Globes themselves haven’t started yet, but I’ve already shared my spontaneous plans with various social media followers. It’s on.

My favorite moments so far? Diane Kruger trying to rely on Joshua Jackson to pronounce the name of her jewelry designer. They’ve always subverted the status quo, so it’s no surprise she doesn’t care as much about her jewels, but good god. They followed up that natural-as-hell exchange with mutual admissions that their synchronicity requires HARD. WORK.

Preach, brother and sister. Loyalty and ambition sustain a relationship so much more effectively and deeply than an arbitrary legal document or a going-through-the-motions ceremony. But I already knew they knew that…

I can tell you why we’re not married: We’re not religious. I don’t feel any more or less committed to Diane for not having stood in front of a priest and had a giant party. We’re both children of divorce, so it’s hard for me to take marriage at face value as the thing that shows you’ve grown up and are committed to another person.

- Joshua, to Glamour

So, yeah. They get it. Just as my girl and her guy get it (or did). I have many reasons for resisting marriage myself, but Pacey covered almost all of them.

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One Response to Live-blogging the Golden Globes?! Stay tuned, gentleladies and gentlemen.

  1. Lisaanne says:

    Ugh, I just realized that I read this backwards. All the pre-show stuff finally made me realize this. Watch what you say about your “real” father. I just started watching Transparent.
    Stanley on the couch?, wow, he has really come a long way. Does he still sound like a wind up toy?

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